Thursday, March 5, 2009

BYUSA Elections Take a Brutal Turn

Student volunteers rally behind their respective colors, offer voters free popcorn, and resort to gang violence to thrust their candidates into the BYUSA presidency. Local Authorities fear that the violence and free ribbons will only increase with moving into the finals.

Volunteers got out early Monday morning sporting their various colored headbands and began throwing down territory lines all across Brigham Young University campus. Armed with fliers, AK-47's, and various information regarding their platform's initiatives for changing student activities they bombarded and got all up in the grill of passing students.

This election week most coeds are just hoping to get to their next class with their wallet and their life intact. "I just wanted to wear my cute red heels today but when I tried to get into the JFSB I had a pistol and an orange ribbon shoved in my face. I told them that I would rather be dead than mismatch." Chelsey White, BYU sophomore, said from her hospital bed. She is just one of the victims of this escalating election.

In the midst of the fray gangs blasted music and danced in the way of passing students trying to win votes by luring them with their hoodrats. All BYU police could do was sit back and write tickets to cars illegally parked or take bikes chained to hand rails.

Inside the Wilkinson Center a battalion from the National Guard stood with heavy tactical machine guns and sub-machine guns. Barriers had been put in place since Sunday morning to stop any chances of a riot attack on the voting compound and free t-shirts. Random K-9 sweeps through the Wilkinson center are being used to insure safety from bombs and freshman trying to trick security measures.

The current BYUSA president, Adam Ruri, had ran last year on the platform of campaign-violence reform, but after installing the promised rootbeer drinking fountains he lost all political clout to really accomplish anything else. Regarding this oversight Ruri said, "I had to do what Presidents do in a bind, prioritize. And getting guns out of the political playing field just came up short."

Despite the violence on this political battleground students still seem to make their way to the voting booths to get their free t-shirt, sticker, BYUSA button, and candy. Those students truly concerned with the democratic process should vote from the safety of their own computer using Route Y.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

J Dawgs Seeks to Siphon Stimulus

Provo UT - Hard economic times present problems for local businesses striving to keep afloat. Though the stimulus package has many wondering what it is really all about, local entrepreneurs want a piece of the political payout pie.

How does a small business gain access to the national stimulus package you ask? Clean energy.

$79 billion of the stimulus package designated to developing clean power sources by the champion of the oppressed, President Obama, solar energy and other various businesses are chomping at the bit to receive government backed compensation for inefficient energy processes.

Jayson Edward, the ever diligent
hot dog entrepreneur, decided to work his way into the deep pockets of the national government. After failing to receive bail out money from congress in January, J Dawgs fired its lobbyist and started for looking for profitable loop holes in the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act with a law school friend.

"At first I thought that maybe we could get some cash by selling our used hot dog grease for alternative fuel,"
Edwards related while shoving another sweet sauced polish in his mouth. "But we found that if we cut the power lines and put in one of those solar panels, Obama will pay for the parts and install."

The Recovery Act, which has the buying power of purchasing
222 billion Big Macs, is just in its beginning phases of rebuilding a shattered American economy. However, clever conservative businesses are not going to be stopped from grabbing some of Obama's constituent kickbacks.

Other companies have gotten creative in capitalizing on this big government spending as well. Spoon Me has plans to construct wind turbines on the top of its establishments to catch some cash. Seven Peaks has decided to invest in hydro-electric solutions to power the operations of their park.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Obama Tosses Money from Air Force One

Look to the skies for your salvation, heathens; phase two of Obama's bailout has already begun.

Still fresh from signing the bailout legislation in Denver and announcing $75 billion more for houses people couldn't afford in Arizona, Obama is now tossing to money from Air Force One in order to jump-start the economy.

"The stimulus, while officially the most important and expensive piece of legislation never read, is going to take some time to start working," Obama said. "What we need is immediate action that will get people spending money right now. So that's what we're doing."

President Obama, along with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, are currently dropping large quantities of one-dollar bills from the storage area of Air Force One.

"For the next week we plan to fly over populated areas of less-fortunate people and drop money," Pelosi said. Reid added, "for security reasons we can't announce our schedule, but rest assured that if you are less fortunate we will be flying over your home soon. So, just be waiting outside for the next 6 days or so."

Residents of Compton have already been visited by a rainfall of greenbacks. Beginning at about 11:30 am on Wednesday, one-dollar bills were seen slowly floating down onto buildings in the area. People filled the streets, jumping and grasping at the small pieces of paper. However, what began as encouraging quickly turned to what one resident called "a bloodbath."

"At first we were excited to get all this money," said A.J. Gamatch, a 22-year-old Compton resident. "But then the Crips showed up and started shooting. I dropped the bills I'd grabbed and ran, but some of the others just wouldn't give up the money and paid for it." Five people were killed in the incident.

While discouraging, President Obama spotted a silver lining: "Well at least we know that people are excited to get their hands on their own personal stimulus package." And there's a lot more love to spread around, as most of the 350 million "Washingtons" that the president started with are still on board.

The combined cost of this week-long campaign, including the F-16 escorts and in-air refueling but excluding the money dropped, is said to be around $500 million.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

BBQ for the Cure, After Dire Diagnosis.

Provo, UT – Fire up the coals and propane burners for the First Annual BBQ for Scurvy Awareness to be held February 21 at King Henry Apartments. Without proper nourishment the dangerous pirate disease strike fear into the hearts of college students and locals alike.

After the diagnosis of a dear friend, Kyle Zufelt decided to take a stand against the deadly vitamin C deficiency disease. “Obviously Jason should have known that a strict diet of bacon and chili cheese Fritos would lead to poor health…but scurvy? No one ever saw it coming.” Kyle is determined to warn others of the medical condition that is known for scourging pirates and mal-nourished infants in third world countries.

It has always been a concern among parents and university administrators that students are not receiving the necessary nutrients for a healthy lifestyle. Nutrition professor Cindy Manns upon hearing of this incident said, “I am not surprised. I am always telling the girls in my classes that we must maintain a well-balanced diet that incorporates more than just top ramen and cheerios.” Scurvy, known medically as Barlow’s Disease, causes paleness, purple spots on the skin, spongy gums, and bleeding of the membranes. It can easily be treated with the consumption of vitamin C and rarely leads to death among modern societies.

Although Jason Burns avoided the eventual falling out of teeth and imminent death caused by advanced stages of the disease, there may be many out there that do not know of the dangers of malnutrition. The First Annual BBQ for Scurvy Awareness will hopefully inspire students and others ignorant of proper nutrition to balance their diets and avoid unsightly gums. This brings into question the fascination young females have had with pirates who are the poster children for this deteriorating disease.

Weather Update - Feb 12, 2009

Slow fake news today, folks. All we've got is the weather, which is

It looks like it's going to be cold, with a chance of being frozen. Ice storms are predicted everywhere except part of Florida, which is currently being destroyed by an asteroid shower.

So, our recommendation is to stay indoors and dress warmly. Unless you're in southern Florida. Go outside and run and scream for your life if you're in southern Florida.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wikipedia Founder Releases Ducks at Conference

(2-5-09) - Not to be outdone by Bill Gates releasing mosquitoes during his presentation, Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales released a flock of ducks he claimed were carrying the Avian Flu at the same conference.

By releasing the mosquitoes, Gates said he was trying to increase awareness among some of the world's wealthiest of the deadly disease of malaria. "None of the mosquitoes were carrying malaria," he said, "but I hope that what I did makes people pay more attention."

Wales said he had planned on releasing the birds well before the conference started. "Bill's little stunt stole my thunder," he said. "Because of those mosquitoes, people didn't take the correct preventive measures against my ducks."

Important measures, he said, because the ducks really were carrying the Avian Flu.

"After Bill said that his mosquitoes were malaria-free, no one believed me when I started screaming: PUT ON THE MASKS I'VE TAPED UNDER YOUR SEATS, AND WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T TAKE THEM HOME TO EAT!"

Conference organizers say that no one attending the conference has reported being sick. They are still concerned, however, noting that two of the ducks have not been recovered. "I feel bad for those poor ducks," a conference organizer said. "I really hope they just wanted them as some sort of strange celebrity pet, and not, you know, for cooking."

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Make out percentage goes up!

(2-4-09) - You may not know the exploits of Don Juan, but during this next week Colin Bennett, local student, has set out to maximize his use of Love Week 2009. “Seven lucky girls, seven lucky nights. Almost like Hanukah.” Bennett said while talking about his goal of going on seven dates, one each night starting February 7 and rolling through the 14
th, Valentine’s Day. He is confident in his attempt to pull off such a feat that socially weaker men dare not draw near. When asked about how he felt about the dating challenge he firmly asserted, “I can do this, because I am the man.”

Love Week has many different forms of celebration ranging from spending time with that special someone to working it with seven less special someones. With the aid of red roses and a heart-shaped box of assorted chocolates many strive to produce feelings of love or at least gratitude that will be reciprocated by specific public and private displays of physical affection. Despite the similarities of Love Week and your normal home-grown prostitution, many have accepted this Hallmark made tradition and make their own Love Week CD mixes to get in the mood.

Though many strike out in this hunt for solicited affection, the economy will benefit greatly from the increased consumption of chocolates, floral arrangements, and jewelry. Colin Bennett has found his own way of celebrating the promiscuous holiday and has even updated his Facebook status to say “Colin Bennett is ready for Loveweek! (5 Days) - Three date slots open.” Nothing says I love you like a desperate Facebook status.