Thursday, March 5, 2009

BYUSA Elections Take a Brutal Turn

Student volunteers rally behind their respective colors, offer voters free popcorn, and resort to gang violence to thrust their candidates into the BYUSA presidency. Local Authorities fear that the violence and free ribbons will only increase with moving into the finals.

Volunteers got out early Monday morning sporting their various colored headbands and began throwing down territory lines all across Brigham Young University campus. Armed with fliers, AK-47's, and various information regarding their platform's initiatives for changing student activities they bombarded and got all up in the grill of passing students.

This election week most coeds are just hoping to get to their next class with their wallet and their life intact. "I just wanted to wear my cute red heels today but when I tried to get into the JFSB I had a pistol and an orange ribbon shoved in my face. I told them that I would rather be dead than mismatch." Chelsey White, BYU sophomore, said from her hospital bed. She is just one of the victims of this escalating election.

In the midst of the fray gangs blasted music and danced in the way of passing students trying to win votes by luring them with their hoodrats. All BYU police could do was sit back and write tickets to cars illegally parked or take bikes chained to hand rails.

Inside the Wilkinson Center a battalion from the National Guard stood with heavy tactical machine guns and sub-machine guns. Barriers had been put in place since Sunday morning to stop any chances of a riot attack on the voting compound and free t-shirts. Random K-9 sweeps through the Wilkinson center are being used to insure safety from bombs and freshman trying to trick security measures.

The current BYUSA president, Adam Ruri, had ran last year on the platform of campaign-violence reform, but after installing the promised rootbeer drinking fountains he lost all political clout to really accomplish anything else. Regarding this oversight Ruri said, "I had to do what Presidents do in a bind, prioritize. And getting guns out of the political playing field just came up short."

Despite the violence on this political battleground students still seem to make their way to the voting booths to get their free t-shirt, sticker, BYUSA button, and candy. Those students truly concerned with the democratic process should vote from the safety of their own computer using Route Y.


  1. i hate byu elections. always have. i'm one of those people who will walk 10 minutes out of my way to avoid chipper campaign volunteers and their stupid flyers.

  2. Yeah they get kind of annoying. I have found that if you get your hands on one of those "I voted" you get full clemency... just make sure it is visible ;)

  3. "All BYU police could do was sit back and write tickets to cars illegally parked or take bikes chained to hand rails." HAHAHAHA. Brilliant.

  4. My whole goal this past week has been to avoid all contact with the various campaign 'perky' volunterers. I am pleased to report that I havn't talked to a single one nor had one talk to me. There was a close call though, but the girl right in front of me took the bullet. What a hero!

  5. i'm re-commenting to say that the madness has spread off-campus: last night a campaigner came to my door and gave me a flyer for brooke and had a sudoku puzzle on it for some reason. nothing to do with the campaign. i still won't vote.

  6. "i still won't vote."

    Then you have no right to complain.

  7. Yes she does. We're not mad at the policies of anyone, we're mad at the way they campaign. It doesn't matter who wins, the in-your-face campaigning style "put this ribbon on and vote" will stay the same.