Thursday, March 5, 2009

BYUSA Elections Take a Brutal Turn

Student volunteers rally behind their respective colors, offer voters free popcorn, and resort to gang violence to thrust their candidates into the BYUSA presidency. Local Authorities fear that the violence and free ribbons will only increase with moving into the finals.

Volunteers got out early Monday morning sporting their various colored headbands and began throwing down territory lines all across Brigham Young University campus. Armed with fliers, AK-47's, and various information regarding their platform's initiatives for changing student activities they bombarded and got all up in the grill of passing students.

This election week most coeds are just hoping to get to their next class with their wallet and their life intact. "I just wanted to wear my cute red heels today but when I tried to get into the JFSB I had a pistol and an orange ribbon shoved in my face. I told them that I would rather be dead than mismatch." Chelsey White, BYU sophomore, said from her hospital bed. She is just one of the victims of this escalating election.

In the midst of the fray gangs blasted music and danced in the way of passing students trying to win votes by luring them with their hoodrats. All BYU police could do was sit back and write tickets to cars illegally parked or take bikes chained to hand rails.

Inside the Wilkinson Center a battalion from the National Guard stood with heavy tactical machine guns and sub-machine guns. Barriers had been put in place since Sunday morning to stop any chances of a riot attack on the voting compound and free t-shirts. Random K-9 sweeps through the Wilkinson center are being used to insure safety from bombs and freshman trying to trick security measures.

The current BYUSA president, Adam Ruri, had ran last year on the platform of campaign-violence reform, but after installing the promised rootbeer drinking fountains he lost all political clout to really accomplish anything else. Regarding this oversight Ruri said, "I had to do what Presidents do in a bind, prioritize. And getting guns out of the political playing field just came up short."

Despite the violence on this political battleground students still seem to make their way to the voting booths to get their free t-shirt, sticker, BYUSA button, and candy. Those students truly concerned with the democratic process should vote from the safety of their own computer using Route Y.